Lechem Chazir לחם חזיר

DebachiliSation not DebachiliZation

2009-12-09T11:06:00.000+08:00

Besides commenting on her (or his) terrible sense of fashion (My sis work in ZARA you know...), I'd like to comment on a few issues as well...

As complicated as it sounds, the original word, debachilization, is so not in my vocabulary. The usage of 'z' instead of 's' has very much distorted the meaning of the word. I argue since if you want to create a new word, why hassle it to American style? Charred Siew Pao is not invented in America you know... Perhaps they have fried kreplach but hea-vens, those are counterfeited Seremban (charred) Siew Pao. Oy Vey!

Eh Vaah, so I prefer to use the all-so-glorious-Queen's-Language edition of 'debachiliSation'. The replacement of the 'z' with 's' clearly indicate my preference and sworn loyalty to the Queen's original prestigious language. As a professional user of the prolific English language, I could not tolerate such incompetencies la. Why so not professional wan? Should use the original formulations what... Use s ma, that one is original English. Aunty at the pasar also know la.

Mah Tovu, if you dun believe me, just ask an Aunty from the street. They will tell you 'neighbour' instead or 'neighbor' (they neigh too much in a way, they are called neighbour, I would prefer 'neighboar' but it does not pass through the Beth Din, Oy!). They will say realisation instead of realization!

Let's pronounce this word shall we? Come:

디-박-치-라이-세이-전

몰라? 왜 아주 바보? 다시 한번!

די-בכ-כי-לאי-שי-שין

?לא יוזע

ܕܥܒܟܤܥܠܥܣܝܣܢ

For you English speaking only people: it is pronuounce as dee-bak-chi-lye-say-syen or in Bahasa Malaysia: Di-bak-chi-lai-sei-syen.

Good eh? In Chinese culture, we have almost a tomb of not-so-good words (which will offend your mother as she will always be the target of explicits talking in Chinese) and in this particular word, Bak-chi (in cantonese, bai-chi in mandarin) plainly means white-crazy or plain-crazy or just crazy. So my dear baek-chi readers, listen up, the word debachilisation means that you have to rid yourself of insanity or the Messiah won't come.

If you see people do Bak-chi things, just give them the word 'debachilisation' as encouragement. This author will write a thesis on this title on how to get rid of yourself from Bak-Chi and not Bak kut teh.

Remember it is DEBACHILISATION and not DEBACHILIZATION. Using the latter will insult English word but using the former will glorify English to the greatest extent.

Remember to eat your Recommended Daily Allowance of Charred Siew Pao, vegetarian of course...

Bye bye

백치! (白痴) EH VAAH!

Sonnet 18

2009-11-04T15:06:00.000+08:00

Shall I compare thee to a bowl of Bak Kut Teh?
Thou art more fatty and more like a carrot:
Rough winds do shake the flabs of thee, May,
And summer's heat could not melt your fat away,
Because it hath all too short a date:

Sometimes too hot the bloody sun shines,
And often is your wits dimm'd;
And almost every fat from fat sometimes declines,
By chance or celebrity's fitness, but thou art always,
unslimmed:

But thy eternal waistline shall not fade
Nor lose possession of that porky leg thou owest;
Nor shall Death brag thine cellulite in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thy thigh growest:

So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long as men still have common sense to be,
So long as men can picture an acacia tree,
So long lives this and they will remember the ugliness of thee.

Because...

2009-11-04T14:46:00.000+08:00

When Dr. Carotta is asked by one of his peer about the usage of because, he answered:

"You cannot use three times of the word because because because is a conjunction"

His colleague then pick up his CRT bulky computer monitor and hit Dr. Carotta until he is dead...

THE END

The Secret Life of Hen von Cluck

2009-11-03T21:59:00.000+08:00

Constantly annoyed by his immediate neighbours is our hero, Hen von Cluck. Datuk Sir Hen von Cluck, affectionately known as Clucky, is always subjected to persistent bullying. The myriads of bull fighting is given to him by his half-trained matadors. Not to even mention the since-forever-never-washed-toilets at the further northern end of the society den of dens.

There he was, happily clucking his way to oblivion. His wish of performing the arts to the fullest has been crushed when the Wizard of Ultimate Retirement waged war against the den warlock. The warlock, left with no choice, pulled out all his loots and booties, and entrusted them to the Wizard of Ultimate Retirement to secure his place on the throne until the next election.

Hen von Cluck, upon hearing the news that the loots and booties are being guarded by the evil-and-old-hag-like wizard, quickly devise a scheme to take back what is his. He joined forces with the Princess of Pricey Goods (where Gucci is the norm and LV is nothing but welcome rugs). Clucky then flies to the end of the kingdom to secure the Gold of Extremely Expensive, where 999 golds are stored in the Heavenly Palace of Expensive Stuff.

He get the key to the palace and quickly made a duplicate through the uncle who open a key shop who is selling fake keys on the road side. Clad in loose apek-like singlet, our apek key-maker asked our hero what kind of key he wants while scratching his bloated beer belly. After he lets out a blurp, our hero just gave him they key and wait for fifteen heroic minutes for the not-so-heroic apek to duplicate the key to him. wahhh...

Oy! Came from our hero when he found out that his key being fashioned from recycled and Pepsi Max (sugar-free) cans. The apek, still scratching his belly, let out the loudest blurp that beats the Concorde airplane and said,

'now heng (popular) recycle ma... you dunno meh?'

Running out of time, he grabs Princess of Pricey Goods and roll to the Heavenly Palace of Expensive Stuff. On the way, Princess of Pricey Goods breaks his Gucci limited edition Hiking High Heel shoes. They mourn for twenty four years there.

After twenty four years of mourning, the whole kingdom has been conquered by the Wizard of Ultimate Retirement. There is nothing they can do as they are now wrinkly and saggy as well. The Wizard of Ultimate Retirement has pass on his throne to his Son of Ultimate Baby-ness...

The lesson of the story is, don't buy Gucci High Heels.

THE END

The Professor Squirms

2009-10-30T22:55:00.000+08:00

As Dr. Carrotta Haendasami was asked about how to control one's homosexuality, the coffee he was sipping is blown out through his nose, responding:

"Goodness! I have only favoured oyster but never a banana,'

THE END

p.s. it is fictional~

The Lady of the House

2009-10-30T11:18:00.000+08:00

Another looming figure capable of squeezing dead three plastic squirrels is our famous almost all-knowing-prophetess-like house-lady of our ham-less charred siew pao consumer. After the incident of ham-less charred siew pao, our heroine scourged through the rented properties, slithering over all nooks and corners of the house to find traces of ham-less charred siew pao. As the charred siew pao is fatally painted with non-edible white paint and Willy Wonka's Cadbury Chocolate Glaze(tm), our heroine tries to prevent other gluttonies in the house from consuming the delectable as well as offensive piece of inflated cooked not-matzoh wheat flour. Oy!

Ting! Ting! sounded her famous Nevuah brand spy gadget. The nifty gadget is a remote microphone, which its very capability is to broadcast from London to Kuala Lumpur. A famous brassiere producing company in Malaysia (which is based in London), M Bra, uses this famous technology to trace the efficacies of their workers, as well as spreading gossips faster between the London based tea lady and the Kuala Lumpur based coffee man... What a unique usage of technology.

This is how she almost knew everything as her neighbourhood is filled with her Nevuah brand spy gadgets. She also has robotic dogs cleverly disguised as homeless dogs roaming the streets of Petaling Jaya. Equipped with built-in atomic bomb and self-destructor capable of destroying the whole earth down to its core, no dog-catcher would want to mess with such a pack of mechanical hoo-ha. Oh la la...

The signal indicates that our heroine picked up some juicy gossips from across the street. she put her best foot forward and speed towards the house where the signal is broadcast with the speed of light. A lil' faster and she would have performed the first time travelling. She arrives in three second to her dissatisfaction as previously, it only takes her 2.5555555652231313 seconds.

'I am very sure that you are gossiping,'

All her neighbours then pressed their house-lady-emergency-if-you-don't-press-you-will-die button, which is superbly red and big, to the perplexity of even the prime minister of its origin and usages during his round of visits in the commoners' neighbourhood. After the button is pressed, their houses will display discount coupons up to 120% in Tesco as well as hard-driven bargain bought from reject shops nationwide. No housewife, however noble and all-knowing she is, would be able to resist such discount and cheap alternative to inflated Gucci handbags as well as the so over-rated ZARA.

As she reaches for the deterrent cleverly designed by another Associate Professor, Dr. Carrota Carrot Carrot Radish Radish wasabi Nguyen Hanamachi Singh (which has done a PhD in validating that no housewife could resist cheap stuff found everywhere), her smiles beam as wide as it can be, almost tearing her face apart because of the shit-eating grin she spots on her face. As the distance between her finger and the coupons lie only an atom apart, she felt a sharp pain radiated from her legs onwards. Alas, she stepped on the bear trap cunningly engineered by Associate Professor, Dr. Carrota Carrot Carrot Radish Radish wasabi Nguyen Hanamachi Singh which is disguised as rotten cabbages on the ground.

But she only feels the pain but she is unhurt because she has anti-bear trap socks on.

Then 72-transformer suddenly and mysteriously appeared and say to her,

'All of this is within my plan.'

Before he could laugh the last 'ha', our heroine throws various discounted products on him. Frightened, the 72-transformer run for his life as the discounted merchandises include a 1000 years old bronze iron, some pianos as well as anvils. The 'Mouth Origami' Kung Fu has no match against the forces of evil-flying-around-discounted-merchandises.

Then the Bao Zhou Poh (House-lady aka BZP) forget about the charred siew pao incident in her own already-rented-out property. She throw some water to the air and performed the most graceful act of water walking since Mr J walks on the Sea of Galilee. After half of a second, she reached the room of Eliel. Looking at her with a puzzled look, he took the basket of paos he had stocked in and started to throw at her at an alarming rate of thousand paos per second.

Pak! Pak! Phiung! The paos are evaded by the BZP in a matrix-like style, making the paos splattered all over the floor in the most disgusting manner of splattered paos. A variety of fillings plagued the floor as the paos exploded open on impact. Red beans painted the wall, lotus laminated the furniture, while char siew coated the bed.

After few days of throwing and evading, 72-transformer appear again.

'STAR OF DAVID'

and his lips puckered and sucked in, at times small, at times gaping. The last gasp of breath enables him to shape his mouth like a Star of David. His mouth origami perplexed the participants of the war, pao bombs are ceased and peace reigned once more.

THE END

The Mysterious Charred Siew Pao

2009-10-28T08:50:00.000+08:00

It is mysteriously made by one of the world's famous baker, Associate Professor Dr. Carrota Haentasami Myeong Han Takeshi (Struggling to get a professorship). The story began when the raw dough was moulded but the filling was yet to be placed in. However, the pao (bun) mysteriously end up in the oven and get baked without the filling. Associate Professor Dr. Carrota Haentasami Myeong Han Takeshi then think, perhaps if we sell this just like a char siew pao, no one will notice! However, he forgot to check on the oven and it turns out charred. Hence, the new name: Charred Siew Pao.

As a clever person with multiple PhD bought from the internet with his hard-earned drug-syndicated money, our hero cunningly paint the charred siew pao white to hide the blemishes he had inflicted on that helpless dough of inflated, cooked wheat flour. Much like a Kohen looking for blemishes on a Qorban, he can defeat a Kashrut-observant housewife in checking her veges for creepy crawlies. What a Mitzvah!!! Oy vey!

Thereafter, the clock starts to bang, loud like the big ben being held captive; the paddler will soon arrive, bringing his not-matzo pao to the kopitiam to be sold. He got to act fast, he thinks, but nothing much could be done besides the finishing glaze from his food-grade chocolate glaze stolen from Cadbury chocolate factory operated by the bonkers Willy Wonka.

Bang! Bang! The 50 years old aunty clad in tight baby-T on her oversized body hit the almost-cracking glass-door with her under-exercised arm. Flabbily her underused muscle swings into action and her whole body shakes with mighty resonance. Her thigh showed itself as her shorts tightly clamped on her acacia trunk-like lap. Our Associate Professor wonders, how could she have ridden her motorbike with such illegality; at least the law should take care of immodestly-clad ugly people.

The cleverly disguised glazed-white-painted-charred-not-matzo-charred-siew-pao is then lumped together with other normal not-charred char siew pao. Some of them sugar-free while some of them sugarless. He used sugar-free sugar to made them. The big fan of his sugar-free charred siew pao is the aunty on bike, a clear evidence that his sugar-free char siew pao is nothing but a mafia-run scheme. Skim-cepat-gemuk.

Eliel walks aimlessly to the kopitiam to satisfy his craving for roasted pork bun or commonly known in our Noachide circle as Lechem Chazir.; sumptuosly Kosher for Gentiles. He is unaware of the mind-boggling mind-bogglers that are plaguing his destined-to-be-bought charred siew pao. Our consumer gently walk to the overcrowded kopitiam, filled with hungry and angry customers pushing to purchase the over-priced charred siew pao (on a lighter note, the doughnut demand on an almost epidemical proportion could not even matched the overcrowded-ness our Eliel is now experiencing).

In the pursue of hunger, he braved the oversized bellied uncles and aunties for the meagre ration of char siew pao. The paddler, an Indonesian aunty, gave him the ham(filling)-less Charred Siew Pao. In a satisfied and fulfilled mood, he braved the crowd once more to go back to civilisation. On the way back, he met up with 72-transformer who perfected the arcane art of 'Mouth Origami' which only few could have mastered (it requires a unique combination of some biological defects as well as some adequately trained mouths). After a few rounds of hitting and stone throwing, our hero finally came to rest in his beloved rented house, which the rent is due today.

When he tries to eat the pao, as the Minchag (custom) of the chinese is to break the bread and to recite the blessing of HaMotzi. When he did so, his mouth could not recite any blessings at all. All the thousand years of deep contemplation and meditation gone in that one day when he yelled 'Mou ham geh???!!!' (No filling!!!?) loud until his House-lord hears his cry and stride into his in one and a half second. Then she said,

'I am very sure you are eating ham-less charred siew pao,'

THE END